Monday, July 10, 2006
Muslim Heaven SUCKS!
I just saw this at Rantings of a Sandmonkey through It's A Matter of Opinion:
Heaven can wait…
(Me and S. Today)
S: Why is it that whenever one of our co-workers implores you to do something islamic "so you can go to heaven", you tell them that you don't want to go to heaven?
Me: Well, because I mean it. I have no interest what so ever in entering islamic heaven. It's not like they would let me in either.
S: Yeah, well, we both know you will never enter Heaven and that God will never allow it. But that's not the issue. You really don't want to go to Heaven. Why? Why don't you want to go to heaven?
Me:You don't want to have this conversation!
S: Why not?
Me: Cause it will depress you!
S: (laughs) I am a big boy Sam, I think I can handle it.
Me: Fine, you really want to know?
Me: Ok, but don't come complaining to me later when..
S: Will you stop being a drama queen and tell me already?
Me: Fine. What do we- men- get as our reward when we go to heaven?
S: 72 virgins.
Me: Exactly. Now, have you ever had sex with a virgin? Not the most pleasant experience now is it? I mean, 72 virgins sounds good to anyone who never had sex with a virgin, but for someone who did? Eww.There is blood and unpleasentness. And you have to do it 72 times. And you know, that's not even the bad part!
S: There is a bad part? What's the bad part?
Me: The next day they get re-virginized again.
Me: Yep. The next day, as God's gift to you, cause you know there is no better gift than a virgin, all those women you de-virginized? They become virgins all over again.
S: Oh God.
Me: And that's not even the worse part!
S: There is something worse?
Me: Ohh yeah. In Heaven, also part of god's Gift package, you never ejaculate. You stay hard..FOREVER.
Me: Yes, you never get to orgasm, no matter how long or how hard you have sex.
Me: Now, not only do you get 72 virgins that you have to deflower, who get re-virginized the very next day mind you, you can't ever orgasm, no matter how much you have sex. Now, does that sound like Heaven to you?
Me: See my point?
S: Yes. Damn. Now I am depressed.
Me: Told ya!
S: So wait, if that's what we get, what do the women get?
Me: Ha, the eternal question. They get to not go to Hell.
Me: Well, as you know, and as the prophet said, the majority of Hell's dwellers are women, since you know, they are the sisters of the devil. So the ones that end up in Heaven, are just lucky to be there.
S: No, I know that. What I meant was: We get the 72 virgins, what kind of reward do they get in Heaven?
Me: They get to sleep with us!
Me: I know!