It seems that the EPA has discovered the real reason for global warming: Greenhouse gases being emitted by the unprecedented number of humans on the planet.

The Federal government has passed a bill requiring all Americans to don the proper warning signs, and will institute emission control legislation forcing all citizens to control the greenhouse effect by consuming foods that are digested to emit more environmentally friendly by-products. The foods will include: Tofu and most raw vegetables. Meat and grains will be prohibited.

Citizens will be required to pass bi-annual emissions checkups, and those who fail will have six months to repair the problem, or be mandated to consume only a vitamin and electrolyte liquid mixture.