Jack Bauer Facts

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It's finally time! I'm giddy as a schoolgirl!

24 Premiers this Sunday.

JACK IS BACK!

To celebrate the return of 24, I have compiled a list of the very best Jack Bauer facts, excluding certain lame ones.

If you know any more good ones, feel free to leave them in the comment field!

-When a convicted terrorist was sentanced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentance reduced to death.

-The city of L.A. once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

-The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.

-When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.

-When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. Nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.

-If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

-Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.

-My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.

-If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

-Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.

-MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.

-The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

-Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.

-There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.

-Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

-Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism.

-Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

-Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

-A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.

-When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found the guy who took it and made him put it back.

-If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

-1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

-Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

-If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.

-Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

-Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

-It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless you spilt Jack Bauer's milk.

-On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as the answer to every one of the problems. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

-Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.

-Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

-Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

-In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.

-Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."

-Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.

-Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

-Every time Jack Bauer sayes "Son of a bitch" a new CTU agent is born.

-Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that wimp went to the hospital first.

-When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

-Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

-In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?

-When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.

-There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

-Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

-Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

-The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.

-Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

-When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

-Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.

-Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

-In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?

-Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're frickin' dead."

-When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

-Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

-Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better frickin' do it.

-If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.

-Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.

-If you have the ability to read, thank a teacher. If you have thefreedom to read, thank the veterans of WW2. If you're alive to read, thank Jack Bauer.

-There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

-When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

-Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.

-There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.

-Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.

-Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."

-Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.

-"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm screwed."

-When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

-Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

-During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

-Osama Bin Laden hides under the covers in his bedroom every Monday night from 9 to 10 and cries.

-If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you'd get is your life.

-Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

-Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.

-Jack Bauer doesn't make threats. He makes facts.

-Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.

-If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

-Jack's execution of Ryan Chappelle scared his cousin Dave so much that he quit his show and moved to South Africa.

-In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib. I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.

-James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer don't need any licenses.

-The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.

-When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win" and turns itself off again.

-If Jack Bauer was the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, T.O. would have shut up and just played.

-If Jack Bauer tells you to get out of the room because you don't want to see what he's about to do, you better stay your in that room because you're about to witness the most shockingly awesome thing you've ever seen.

-If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.

-Jack Bauer doesn't ground Kim, he teaches her a lesson by allowing her to be kidnapped by terrorists.

-The only purpose of the airbag in Jack Bauer's car is to prevent the steering wheel from being damaged by Jack's face.

-When terrorists go to hell, if they say Jack Bauer sent them, they'll get a group discount.

-When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.

-The Incredible Hulk once got so angry it turned into Jack Bauer.

-Oil and Water don't mix, unless Jack Bauer tells them to.

-If the groundhog sees his shadow, that means 6 more weeks of winter. If Jack Bauer sees your shadow, that means 6 more seconds to live.

-When Jack Bauer is looking for a good laugh, he watches Chuck Norris work out on his Total Gym.

-Jack Bauer didn't use heroin because he had to. He took heroin because saving the world sober was getting too easy.

-The Army stopped recruiting when they realized Jack Bauer was in fact the army of one they had been looking for.

-The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Jack Bauer has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

-Jack Bauer can order a Big Mac at Burger King.

-Don't ask what Jack Bauer what he would do for a Klondike bar...

-Jack Bauer is God's Easy Button.

-To stop the Japanese in WWII Truman was going to drop Jack Bauer out of a Bomber. Instead he went with a nuke because it was more humane.

-Chuck Norris once sent Jack Bauer a Total Gym. Jack promptly returned it with the bullet-ridden corpse of a terrorist, as well as a note that had been stapled to the man's chest. It read, "This is what I do to workout."